


When You Were Gone (Zarry AU)

by NotObsess_Lie



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction, Zarry - Fandom, zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 01:39:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotObsess_Lie/pseuds/NotObsess_Lie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has been told to move on from Zayn but can he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Were Gone (Zarry AU)

**Author's Note:**

> So I passed this work on the school paper. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to like it so I'm posting it here instead. Enjoy! :) xx

 How long has it been? Harry asked himself. It has been 3 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours, and 30 minutes since Zayn was gone. But to Harry it didn’t seem like that at all because it felt like a whole eternity had passed when he last saw Zayn. And once again Harry felt the aching void in him that could no longer be filled nor healed, when he remembered he’s all alone now. If he goes home to his apartment there would be no greeting of Hello, no kiss on the cheek or the lips, and no one would ask him how his day had been. It was a painful picture that’s why he decided to live with his mother for a while, that way he doesn’t have to feel all alone. But he does feel it anyway.

  
  Harry headed downstairs to where he knows his Mom, Anne, would be preparing breakfast for them both. His Mom lives all alone in their old house on the outskirts of the city. He and his sister, Gemma, visit their Mom often since the two siblings moved out 4 years ago. He moved out to go to college while his sister left when she got married to a teacher. The couple now lives at the center of the city and is expecting a baby girl.

  
  Anne was already fixing the table when Harry entered the kitchen, feeling nauseated from drinking too much alcohol last night. His eyes were also swollen and bloodshot because he had been crying himself to sleep at night which seems normal now. He misses the touch and warmth of another body next to him in the bed that calms him down. He misses the lovely voice that tells him ‘Goodnight’ and hums lullaby into his ears so he could sleep peacefully at night. Those are the things that assure him he was loved and not alone. He doesn’t know if he would still feel those, but he hopes he will.

  
  “Good morning Mom,” he greets his Mom with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. This would be just like the other mornings he had been spending with his Mom. Anne would be telling him to move on, which he never wanted because he just can’t. She would tell him to stop drinking because alcohol couldn’t fix anything and would instead bring bad hangovers, like the one he has right now. He loves his Mom but he’s tired of all these talks she’s giving him.

  
  “Harry…” Anne begun but Harry raised both of his hands in the air to stop her from talking. It pained her to see her son like that. He was slowly destroying himself and she couldn’t do anything. She knew what he’s going through because she felt the same when Paul, Gemma and Harry’s father, died. It was the bleakest moment of her life but she had to be strong for her two children.

  
  “Not now Mom,” Harry begged his voice cracking a little because he was crumbling into pieces again. He had heard the same thing from everybody and he’s sick of it. It’s easier for them to say such things because they don’t know about him and Zayn. What he and the raven haired boy had was real and true. It was the kind that keeps you up all night because finally, reality is better than your dreams. He knew from then that even in his sleep Zayn’s smile would haunt him.

  
  What Harry doesn’t understand was, where did he go wrong? He had done everything for Zayn. He had sacrificed his dreams because the tan boy was now his new dream. But now that Zayn was gone, Harry had lost the source of his existence. Those beautiful chocolate irises that would look at Harry lovingly was now lost. Those eyes that looked at him preciously even though he’s not special or when he doesn’t feel special at all.

  
  When did he start to lose Zayn? Harry had asked himself a thousand of times since the boy was gone. Is it when he had given too much to the other boy that somehow choked whatever feelings Zayn had felt for him? Is it when he decided to give up everything, his plans for the future, just so he could be with the boy he loves? But he had to let go of everything because he knew wealth, fame, material things, or anything else wouldn’t make him happy. Only Zayn completes him but Harry wasn’t enough for the other boy.

  
  _Harry hurriedly went home to his apartment and knew he was going to be late for dinner. He was smiling though because he knew Zayn would be patiently waiting for him and would pretend to be angry at him. He doesn’t mind appeasing with Zayn because it meant they would be cuddling by the couch watching a movie they wouldn’t understand at all since Zayn would distract him. And nothing is more heavenly than Zayn’s method of distraction which would be kissing him on the neck or lips or simply intertwining their fingers together. But his favorite distraction is the beating of Zayn’s heart that would harmonize with his own as they lay there doing nothing but plainly snuggle to each other. It was everything Harry could wish for._

  
_Unfortunately, it wasn’t happening that night because when Harry arrived the lights were all out. The strong scent of Zayn’s cigarette was distinct in the air and it scared Harry. The raven haired boy never smoked inside his ─ more like their apartment since Zayn had been staying there always .Zayn knew Harry didn’t like the smell of his cigarette and he didn’t want Harry to be the second hand smoker either because they both knew it wasn’t healthy. But here was Harry inside their apartment with cigarette smell filling his nostrils. And another scent, he faintly noticed, made him froze at his feet._

  
_The scent was something Harry never wanted to smell again. He knew what it was of course. It wasn’t the first time he had encountered it. He felt a shiver ran down his spine a he remember the first time he smelled the same scent. It was an experience he would never forget. And now here it was again destroying his presence of mind and sucking the life out of the center of his universe._

  
_Harry dropped everything he had on the floor and rushed to the bathroom where he knew Zayn would be. And when he opened the door he was indeed right. Zayn was inside the waterless bathtub and he looked relax, but Harry knew better than be calmed by the scene before him. The image of Zayn in the tub, immobile and almost lifeless except for the slow rising of his chest, sickened Harry. He can feel his stomach churned as he knelt beside the tub and cupped the other boy’s face with cold hands that was warm a while ago. Harry slapped Zayn’s cheek softly to wake the boy up._

  
_Slowly, Zayn opened his eyes. Harry stared into the hazel eyes that use to sparkle, whenever he’s in view, but now they were dead. Zayn’s eyes were dull and blown, that Harry can pretty much tell. He felt someone punched him in the gut when he saw the small empty sachets by the tub._

  
_“I told you to stop using drugs Zayn,” he said in a loud voice that was trembling with anger and fear. He already tried to persuade the tan boy to quit smoking and Zayn does, little by little though so not to shock his body. Harry thought everything was going alright but he guesses wrong because Zayn was crashing again. Falling into the same state he was before Harry loved him. Someone who’s broken and can no longer be fixed because there would always be those visible scars that remind them both of what could still happen again. “You have to stop Z…because I can’t lose you. Not like this,” Harry begged as the tears streamed down his pale face._

  
_“Don’t cry Haz,” murmured Zayn as he weakly tried to wipe away the tears from Harry’s cheek. Harry knew it should be him who’s comforting Zayn and not the other way around. But he felt more broken than the boy inside the tub. “I don’t like seeing you cry Haz. No matter how beautiful you can still look whenever you do.” Harry knew Zayn meant every word because the tan boy would never lie to him. They were always honest with each other that’s why they lasted this long._

  
_As Harry stared back into the chocolate brown eyes that were looking at him with concern, he remembered the boy he met ten years ago. He and Zayn were best friends since they were ten because they were both considered by the society as someone foreign. Harry was 16 when he realized that he was gay and Zayn was fine with it. The relationship they have never changed after Harry’s confession of his sexuality. But something stirred inside him that made him avoid Zayn. Harry was falling in love with his best friend and it hurt because he knew the boy couldn’t love him back since Zayn was straight.  Fortunately, things worked out between them and now here they were after four years, still madly in love with each other._

  
_“Harry,” Zayn whispered and his voice was so sweet that it was caressing Harry’s name with so much love and devotion. “I would never leave Haz. Never,” he assured and kissed the back of Harry’s hand._

  
  Was it all lies then? Harry wanted to ask the tan boy if he can. It wasn’t and he knows that Zayn would never lie to him. It was just a promise that the tan boy couldn’t keep. Zayn tried, Harry knows he did. But Zayn’s effort weren’t enough since Harry was left all alone in the end.

  
  “Harry?” says a voice that Harry was very familiar with. Of course he knew that voice. How will he ever forget? It was the same one that would whisper sweet nothings into his ears and make his heart skips a beat. The same voice that would remind him of how beautiful he was.

  
  Harry was in a near by club now and was nursing his fifth glass of vodka for that night. He was drunk and completely wasted. He would probably have another hang over in the morning. It would be painful but he prefers that kind of pain than the one he feels inside his chest. But even in his drunken stupor he can tell that what he heard was real. Unless his brain was playing stupid tricks on him.

  
  It took every ounce of courage for Harry to turn his head to the speaker behind him. He was afraid he was mistaken and at the same time afraid that he was right. And just like what they do in movies, Harry turned to the person who spoke his name in the slowest motion that was possible. His eyes widen with emotions he couldn’t figure out what exactly. It was a mix of happiness, fear, sadness, longing, and anger, blended into one feeling that was tearing him up inside.

  
  It was indeed Zayn and he looked gorgeous, as always. Harry can feel his heart went erratic as he came face to face with the tan boy. He can no longer hear the loud music of the club because it was muted by the loud drumming of his heart. Zayn had an amused smile fix on his beautiful face that made Harry blushed because he’s being silly again. He always felt like some crazed teenage girl when Zayn was looking at him like that.

  
  “How have you been Haz?” Zayn asked as his lovely face contorted with worry. And Harry took a deep breath not noticing that he was holding it for a while since Zayn called him. Harry didn’t know how to answer the question because all he wanted to do was tell Zayn how the boy wrecked him and ruined his life. He wanted to scream into Zayn’s face how hard it was to wake up every day with a different pattern on how to live when you got too attached to the old one. But he doesn’t because there was no pain; instead there was contentment and peace. All those 3 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days of sufferings were now long forgotten since all that matter was the boy before him, who gives him feelings that people write novels about.

 

**

  
  Harry woke up the next day in his old room with a very bad hang over. His hand searched the other side of the bed and hoped to find the warm body that he’s been dying to feel beside him. His heart sunk when his hand grasped nothing but cold bed sheets. Was it all a dream last night then? No it wasn’t just a dream. He convinced himself but there was no evidence of him meeting Zayn.

  
  “Harry,” Anne called from downstairs that made Harry ached for a different person to call him instead. He waited for a minute or two for a miracle to happen. Maybe just like last night, Zayn would suddenly pop out of nowhere. It was stupid and he knows it but in love nothing is stupid and impossible. Everything is magical and reachable.

  
  Disappointed and broken hearted, Harry dragged himself downstairs to the kitchen where his Mom is preparing breakfast once again. It was becoming a routine and Harry was once again attached to a certain pattern of life that would probably hurt him if changed. But change was constant and inevitable. He didn’t like it because he wasn’t spontaneous.

  
  “You need to pull yourself together Harry,” his Mom said, starting the stupid ‘Move-On’ conversation again. This has become part of their mundane morning routine as well. “When your father was gone I didn’t sulk in the corner because no matter how much I cry or mope around he will never come back. And I needed to be strong for both you and Gemma. You already lost a parent. I can’t let you lose another one as well. You have to move on baby. He’s not coming back.”

  
  “That’s easy for you to say Mom,” Harry snapped and saw the shock expression on his mother’s face. He didn’t mean to raise his voice at her but it was getting harder and harder each day to listen to the same things that causes him so much pain. “Dad didn’t want to go Mom. He loves you so much. He didn’t choose to go. Zayn did. Zayn left me,” he said in a softer voice that trembled because tears were rolling down from his eyes. It was the first time since Zayn left that Harry admitted it out loud. And it sent a lashing throb into his chest that almost made his heart stop beating.

  
  Anne went and embraced Harry because he was sobbing so hard that it was shaking his whole body. “I’m so sorry babe,” Anne soothed as she cups Harry’s face. “I know it’s hard to be alone. I feel it too. And we’re not the only one who feels it. That makes us all not too alone, don’t you think?” She kisses the tears from her son’s cheeks. “The most painful thing a parent can do is watch their children walk the same path and be not able to do anything about it.” And with that Anne handed Harry an envelop. Harry looked up to her confusedly but she only nodded at him.

  
  Harry weakly took the paper from the envelop and unfolded it. He was bombarded by Zayn’s handwriting. It was a letter. A letter from Zayn. Harry looked up to his mother with the same confused expression. “He begged me to give it to you after he dropped you off last night,” his Mom explained a little hesitant that she gave Harry the letter. She has not read it of course but she was concerned on how it would affect her son. Zayn was very persuasive though and she agreed in the end.

  
  Contemplating on what his Mom had said, Harry realized that seeing Zayn last night wasn’t just a mere dream. It was real. Not a creation of his mind. He did meet Zayn last night at the pub. His heart raced so fast it could outrun a bullet train. To find the answers that he seeks he begun to read the letter.

 

Dearest Harry,  
Honestly, I didn’t know where to start. I screwed up Haz. Big time. And I’m sorry. It’s not enough but I don’t know how to make it up to you and I don’t know if I can. You were the most amazing thing that happened to me but of course I was stupid enough to break you. I’m not healthy for you Haz. You were the sun who lit up my world but the darkness in me slowly ate up all your ray of light and I can’t let that happen. You’ve sacrificed too much for me and that scared me. How will I ever repay that? I can’t. I fear that one day you’ll wake up and abhor what your life had become because of me. I don’t want you to hate me Haz, that’s the last thing I want. I loved you Haz but it wasn’t enough to fill the emptiness in you when you stopped loving yourself. I had to leave Haz so you could live. You’ve been living your life for me and I don’t want that for you. I want you to live your life how you want it to be. Not how me or anyone else want you to. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay and watch you live your life Haz because I’m afraid I could ruin it instead. I have to live my own as well so you have to move on. I am. It’s better if we love each other separately, that way we can save of what’s left of who we are. Since the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and explained so I want to do this formally. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I never wanted to. It wasn’t you, I can’t say it was all me either because that would be cliché. It was just when we fell in love at the wrong time we forgot to make it right and make the moment perfect. We expected for it to be magical on its own and it didn’t because we lack effort. I’ve made tons of mistakes in the past Haz, but you aren’t one of them. I don’t regret meeting you and I hope you feel the same. I don’t want to be selfish and keep you from everything and everyone that could give you happiness and love. You only live once Haz. But if you do it right once is enough. This is goodbye Harry. I’m letting you go. You’re free.  
Love Always,  
Zayn

 

 The last words pained Harry but it was a good one because he knows it’s the last one. He’s been holding on for so long into that tiny thread of hope that Zayn would return. Now he’s letting go because it won’t happen anymore. The truth hurts but not knowing whether to let go or hold is more painful.

  
  Harry noticed his body had gone numb from all the pain he have went through. Is it a good sign? He doesn’t know. All he understands at the moment is that Zayn’s not coming back. Ever. Now it’s time to move one because Zayn have.

  
  It was never good to continue sulking over someone who’s over you. It was now time to continue living his life and to find a new dream since Harry’s old one was gone. Zayn was just a chapter in his life and there comes a day when you realize that turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on. It’s all in the past now. The past is a nice place to visit but never a good place to stay.

  
  Harry’s not going to live on yesterday because its history. As he folds the letter back into the envelop he decided to live for the moment instead because everything else is uncertain. His going to keep moving forward like nothing happened since it’s not too late. He’s only 20 and he’s not going to be forever young so might as well start living while he’s still young.

FIN…

**Author's Note:**

> A massive thank you for reading! I appreciate it so much! And Kudos would be loved and comments would be not be unread. :) xx


End file.
